Calling for help with The Artist’s Way
I’ve had a few Aha! moments this week. That’s all good. I should be jumping up and down, because generally they mean progress. But my brain is still grasping for a bit of understanding that it can’t quite glean.
It’s something I remember from an earlier chapter of The Artist’s Way. In fact, it may be two separate points that I’m lumping together. Let me explain.
I’ve been trying to get more disciplined about writing. Writing that isn’t for the blog. Hee hee ….. have you noticed that I’ve been writing more on the blog lately? Classic avoidance, diversion of effort. This is my equivalent of submerging myself in a book or spending the evening in front of the telly.
But when I sit down to ‘Write’, something happens. As my pen starts to move and words start to come up, I move into a space within myself that just feels really out of alignment. This awful mood starts to take over me; a wave of horrible emotions ….. but they are fairly nameless (as you see I’m struggling to say anything specific about them). This mood just deepens the more I try to write. Once I stop and leave my notebook to one side, the mood starts to evaporate, just leaving me with a sense of disappointment that I haven’t written anything ‘good’ and frustration at the ‘wasted’ effort.
It’s just block, I guess. It sounds like it.
I’m frustrated though that I’m in Week 11 of The Artist’s Way and I haven’t really examined this block and figured it out, or blasted it away yet. I know I’m being impatient. I know I’ve made loads of progress, just in other areas, so I ‘should’ be really pleased with myself.
But then this morning, I had an Aha! Cameron talked about how Artist’s can actually get blocked because they are plundering their soul for their art …. something like dipping down too deep into the well. In my mind this is also linking up with something she said about being competitive about your art, and striving too hard to be original. Can anyone help me with this? Explain or enlighten me, as I can’t seem to find the right pages in the book.
You see, the feeling I have when I start to try to write is a sense of not honouring myself ~ is that just the Censor, getting ready to pounce with her criticisms? I feel like I need to protect myself from what is happening …. oh. It’s like the act of writing is dark and dangerous. But then my Censor pipes in with, “Well, have you really got anything worth saying?” and “Don’t say anything at all if you haven’t got something nice to say.” OH!
I have a lot of CRAP to say. What if I’m not nice and no-one likes me? So what? NO!!! I want to be liked, and respected.
So, next idea ~ why don’t I just write all the CRAP that I’ve locked away for years?
I still think there’s an aspect related to plundering the soul here. Have I pushed myself too hard?
And the overly-competitive thing: oh yes! That’s why I gave up my music when I was 20, I think. And it affects my writing too. Because for years I competed at school and in the music festival, and was always applauded for my skills etc. One day I just got sick of it all. It was all a bunch of crap. But I still find, when I sit down to write, that all the academic pressures and influences fly back and inhabit the space around me.
Maybe that’s why I’ve been getting on so well with my painting, because it’s not something I did at school, and I’ve never had to submit my painting skills to the strictures of academic rigour. I don’t really worry about what people will think, or whether I’m ‘good’ at it. I just do it because I enjoy it.
Input gratefully accepted on this one please.
